Been doing illustration and now a little more animation! Did this guy this morning. Difficult, but getting into the swing of it. Bit by bit it comes.

Flower Cycle WIP

Videogame and Art Streaming


I’ve started sharing my PS4 gaming and my art again on streams! I’m planning to do Friday Videogame day and Saturday Art day. Trying to feel more in touch with others and also sharing my art and time. Broadcasting for people. It’s mostly for my close friends to all feel like they’re in my livingroom, watching me play the game, and talking with me. Which is nice!

I’ll…. be posting when I go live on my art twitter for art, and my gaming twitter for gaming, and they are in separate places so you don’t have to see games or art if you don’t feel like it. I may find a way to embed the stream feeds into my website here so it’s easy to find. We’ll see. For now, I’m just throwing stuff up on twitch and picarto

Fear of My Desires

I could be embarrassed by how afraid I am of failure and of obscurity. These things stop me more than I am comfortable with. I am past being ashamed about them. The subtle traumas of my original desires can be adressed. I can process it. But I have to be candid and I have to be strong. What did I even want to do with my art? What stories were important?

HOWEVER, I am ashamed I have not kept in contact with people that I valued so much. My value had no meaning without action. If you are reading here, I miss you, and we should talk sometime. I’m more of a person now, and a better individual after a few years. I am ashamed, but not embarrassed. Many people neglect and even refuse to weave the threads of connection to include others in their personal fabric. The fabric bows and bends, it tugs and tenses. Not made of knots, but of loops. Or links. Or braids. If at any point, anyone were to come say hi to me, I would find it a pleasure.

I miss the people from my past. I sure hope I’m not trying to distract myself from an uncertain and doom-addled future. Teachers. Friends. Strangers. I miss them. I have some of their phone numbers still. Others I have tried and heard nothing back. The silence can be months, could be half a year, some now it’s many years. Was I that attached to people I never built relationships with? What am I attached to now? People still fuel me. I’m an entertainer, and the audience is more valuable than gold. But outside of the story, I feel like the audience to everyone else. And now that it’s been years without the connections, I feel a loss of purpose in waking life. What to do? Obviously, with this time, some art.

Baby hasn’t done a lot of art at all. Baby feels bad. Superglue baby back to feeling better. (That’s for you, Dan.) At least I can make a good quality American Omelette. Some skills may or may not be transferrable.

Is it Love? Or Desire? (re: Sarazanmai)
Are you human or animal? (re: Dune)

Bullet Salad

I’m going back to school. I can’t STAND it doing dayjobs that don’t involve art, communications, media, or being in a creative studio. Right now, the saving grace of my job is the cellphone and tablet repairs. I get to solve some pretty straightforward problems and I’m holding on to those reactions I get after every time I hand their devices back fixed. It’s not enough.

I have training in art and music, I should be using it and developing it. I took chances and went the “support yourself out of undergrad with side jobs” route and so far even though I’m making a small living I feel like I’m barely hanging on emotionally and spiritually.

Retail is awful. I feel like I’m cheating people out of their money, and with things that are not essential to their lives. If it were living supplies like blankets, food, or health resources, I don’t know what would be worse, but at least I would be giving people things they actually need. Maybe it’s just being at the mall, too.

I’m going back to school for Animation. It’s going to be a bit weird coming in after already completing an undergrad somewhere else, but I believe as long as I build my portfolio and find the right culture fit for me at a school, I’ll do okay.

My boss thinks I’m funny a lot, so I may have a good chance at the writer’s room stuff !

Following the Cycle – Organization

Waking up and doing it all again!

Planning things requires also doing those things.
Planning things requires knowing your plan will not be fulfilled outside the mind as it is inside the mind.
Planning things requires communication with everyone else that comes in contact with your life.
Planning things requires the ability to sense feedback from all sources, including internal reasoning and feelings.

I’m trying to make solid plans. Where something comes up as a result. It needs to have an end goal, like “posting online” or “assembling a final folder of images” or “stop working on an art piece and just send it already!”

There’s a feeling of being trapped against energy, time, space, and decision. Yet inside this circle, there is always an opportunity to try again. After a while you notice a world that has nothing to do with what you try to do, and instead has everything to do with what happened in between your decisions. Such as the dishes. And the bathroom. And the art. And the appointment scheduling.

This week, I actually got myself a new planner and started using it right away so I could Forget the things I needed to do, and instead concentrate on the things I was doing. Also, leaving it off my phone has helped my eyeballs, posture, and alarm system. Plus, there’s much more room to write, and I can close the book, leaving it less overwhelming than constant notifications. It also helps me build my Checking muscle (it is very atrophied, and I am bad at checking in with things).

So far, it’s going well. I’ve finished a commission work, made and set appointments, and am actually cooking dinner again by thinking ahead in the week for food plans.

Learning about the anatomy of the Foot and Whole Leg!

Wow, I found a great new resource! On Yo/uTub/e there is a channel named Anatomy Zone which has wonderful 3D models displayed, described, and articulated in plain language at a good speed. The curator is using a very cool program that allows one to pick which system of the body to overlay onto a model, in combination with each other.

I highly recommend it to artists who struggle with the feet, just to see the muscles and bones in a little more detail than a single perspective illustration. It’s really helped me out.

Check out the whole playlist about the Lower Limbs: The other playlists are organized wonderfully. If you need learning of the nerves and not just muscles for illustration or rendering, it can teach you pretty general anatomy. It feels like a good textbook aide.

The frogs are singing and it Rains

Strange weather provides shaky guidance but we press on none the less.

I’ve been doing much more art recently, in the last couple weeks. Here and there, and in the winter even compared to much earlier. I realized I also enjoy working with others just as much as working alone, like, truly. Collaborating, editing, organizing, motivating. It definitely is a reward for me. I dunno. It’s satisfying to see someone hit that “yes” moment.

I keep trying to find out what exactly the whole thing is with my motivation. It isn’t consistent. But then again, my goals have been abstract in the past. And I’ve solidified my art goals a bit.

Scout out Grad school this year, do visitations, build portfolio up.
Grad school after fiancĂ©’s graduation. 2-3 years? California? Elsewhere?
Portfolio and pitches.

If I go back to having a minimum wage job for a while afterwords, at least I will have done what I wanted completely and followed through with my goals.

Strange weather provides shaky guidance but we press on none the less.

Holidays at Retail

fart noises This was originally drafted in December and I did not upload it.

I work retail now! The store is open 9am to 10pm! Everyone is rushing! Few people are happy! But. Manny customers have been graciously patient.

Working repairs at my job here, I’ve learned how to repair electronic devices on a surface level. I took the next step and bought a component for a tablet I want to refurbish. Shipping says it will get here around January 5 or 10 or something, so it will be a project for after the holidays.

In better news, art is happening. I finally got my desk all settled up and parked away in a NEW comfy corner. I need to move my office shelves next to it, then my rolling shelf can just roll anywhere it wants. It makes SUCH a difference to have a clean desk with space for everything.

Been sick

Pneumonia – Sinus infection – Allergic reactions

I traveled for the first week of it, rested for the seccond, and this third I’m still recovering.

It’s demoralizing. I’m super depressed. I haven’t worked on art in months. I feel totally defeated about it. I still have lots to do and it feels daunting, and I feel weak.

I did make a small video to demonstrate desk posture stretches for people hurting on my twitter timeline. Seems I can do things for others when I can’t for myself. I hate that. It sucks and I wish I could care more about myself enough to Perform Actions of Care. My therapist calls this lack of motivation. Trying not to get down.

Solid Living / Going towards Animation

I’ve been hanging on for a good while, feeling secure, and then dealing with life on the top of that foundation. It’s gotten better, I’m more aware, and moving forward with things I’ve left alone for years.

Some things still suck! Bills, utilities falling apart, shitty people, inevitable mortality, social needs, hard days… But I’m okay.

I’ve decided I need to go back to school, and go back to school for animation. If I’m going to be working a job, and if the job is hard and has difficulties, it might as well be the thing I enjoy most doing. shrug

I’m thinking USC. I need to make my portfolio.