Hey grandparents, love you. Sorry I haven’t been in touch a lot. I’ve been uh. Very depressed and I don’t know what to say or do. I’ve been keeping my head down and trying to stay steady. Mental health has been awful and staying consistent with meds, exercise, and sleep have all challenged me. Especially the sleep. I don’t pull all-nighters but I’m so pinched all the time for sleep. My naps are 2 or 3 hours long now!
I have a job! I work in a factory! I was jobless from literally the start of covid until last September! I’m so happy to not have to keep scrambling and slipping for security. For a little while. I work in a goopy industry. I’ll have to review my NDA to see what exactly I can publish online about it. But it’s wild, and my coworkers sure are a variety pack. Lots of stories and lots of badgood influence.
Also, I haven’t written to many or posted to many because I haven’t had a lot of art to do. I feel like I’ve been cooped up and not making nearly any artwork (except Fur20 at the very beginning, and that needs to be picked back up soon now…) so I feel like I have nothing to show. I have literally been spending more hours doing everything else than drawing. It hasn’t felt good. Even little music doodles haven’t been going anywhere.
I do have some progress though, I’ve been going to the gym! It helps with appetite, and also sleep. Kind of. It gets me to sleep but I keep waking up in the middle of the night multiple times. Like some guard dog. Also my body hurts less at my job so I feel better and it doesn’t suck as much. But this is also inconsistent. I have good friends that help motivate me though. I’m thankful for my friends from the woods (names for privacy) who encourage me to do things a lot and have a positive attitude. Depression has been
Having external reasons to keep going, I need more force behind the internal reasons. I want to animate. I want to draw. I want to make music. I have the tools. I bought the programs, I have the tablet. Creating the environment now, the time and space where I can walk up to it like an instrument and engage, that’s the challenge.
I’m doing my best not to beat myself up! I’m doing my best to forgive myself and to engage with the world! And to go to bed on time!!!
Yesterday and the days before this week I had been warned about an incoming snowstorm! Now I know better than to put blind faith in predictions, but over the days the predictions didn’t change, and today we’ve been snowed in. Thursday – Saturday. This evening on Friday, it’s probably going to be the coldest and snowiest. I wonder how it’s going to be.🐝
Around here in Washington we don’t take kindly to snow. On the surface we may enjoy it and many of us have now come to accept it and relish in it, but we don’t take kindly to it collectively.
-Many people do NOT know how to drive in snow: slower, cautious, less stop-and-go. -Many municipal roads are NOT plowed and depending on your neighborhood and land management you may not get plowed at all. -We do NOT have enough snow days to be culturally prepared for snow each year. People whine, people jump the shark, people fuck up. -We have hills. Hills in a wetland forest with lots of places to hide water that then freezes. I grew up on a hill that had a street with a spring underneath. Summer was fine. Winter was icy.
So with that being said, I don’t want to go out driving this snow storm. Called in, the parking lot never got plowed, and just 20 minutes in any direction the weather changes. 😕 I wish I was more hardcore and could drive to work or anywhere but I also would not like to be stuck out there even waiting for AAA. Even if I am regretting not going to Trader Johs and Cashy Carry beforehand, I wonder if I take a hike to the nearest store tomorrow will it be open? 🤔 Also it will last until Sunday and be fine by Monday. (If not, I will be making the drive to work..!) It’s a beautiful landscape. I always enjoy the trees in the snow. I did take a walk briefly yesterday, but not today. I want to see the trees tomorrow…!
Thank you every family member, friend, coworker and stranger who gave me gifts this year. I truly appreciate it!
I love the hand extension exercise bands, the fanny pack, the recipe book, the chocolate, the home made kaluha, and all the rest. And the music subscription has been keeping me well-fed during work hours with good music and NO ADS *fainting couch sigh of relief* so my brain isn’t interrupted by strange consumerist illusions.
Making the drop-off trips for both Bearsgivings, Christmas, and the family chat for New years were ways I felt like a family this year, even if all the psychological pressures of plague safety really freaked me out.
There are still gifts coming from me late this year, I hope people do not mind.
It’s been many months since I lost my apple pencil. I have so many traditional art supplies that I use to make art, but this one has been the most streamlined way to just pick up and make art with. Sadly, I don’t know where in the hell it was left: backpack, closet, office, old car that is now scrapped after an accident…
So I got a new one. After finally having the finances to do it. Damn they are spendy. Magic wand pricetag huge digits. This time, it also has a cute case that will make it Less Likely to be lost!
I’ve got my most important needs set up as my priorities. Mental health is a constant slippery rocky beach. Finances are tight and a huge stress, until around November. My body is just barely getting its food and sleep.
So… most projects are called off until I’m a bit healthier. There’s so much stress that it takes more to work through it, and I was already uh. A little challenged at finishing all my projects. Still doodling and drawing.
I did find, download, and sew my own masks. It took so long but its great. Using up fabric… buying more cute fabric…. giving them to friends and family, it’s good. I have just one more precut one to sew, then. I can call “round 1: done.” Round 2 is the furry masks! Gotta get rid of all these blue faux fur bolts… Somehow.
I’m trying to keep organized and keep clean. Quarantine stress has piled up hard. Real hard. Like I’m just holding on. I wish I could pull things together.
Hey folks, the snow-globe has been shook! There’s not much difference to my daily life, except now it isn’t a Choice to stay inside.
Right as I quit my job, the C/orona virus spreads to my county and town. The cases are increasing and how it truly affects the whole country has yet to be seen. We have reached the point in the progression where everyone has more somber attitudes rather than the fake cheery, the oblivious, or the deniers.
I’ve begun building the portfolio. I believe art can help in trying times, now I just have to actually give it a shot. Gestures in the works, small images, even a pencil comic. It’s happening.
I have more job leads, and more clarity than ever. Now, I have to work up the drive, the same way it’s always done. Going in head first and stay running as long as you can..!
This was dated March 27 or so. It is now August. It has been more than 4 months. God I am tired.
People still refuse to wear masks. It’s become a polarizing an completely ridiculous spectacle and everywhere else in the world people can cooperate except Am.erica. People are in poor and mean spirits, at least those who ally themselves to a particular cause have a sense of pick-me-up. Yes event the liberal ones. Yes it doesn’t matter too much about which side people are on, because the sides are fake.
Ideals are co-opted by people with bigoted, biased, underlying insecurities, and people are becoming more adverse to anything that prolongs the current state of suffering.
This sucks. It’s been a depression like no other. Art hard. I’ve never quite felt this low or like I’ve lost such a large period of my life to the complete folly of other people.
When I started drawing more as the quarantine began, I could not rest on a subject. It was doodles, a practice face. Sometimes someone else’s character. And I have stories dammit I have Ideas, but they’re not materializing.
And then suddenly for im not sure any reason, I pushed to make fur20 happen. As you can tell by the title, it has: cartoon animals, and cannabis. It’s a fun thing to start building our repretoir and practice our skills, putting out art and pieces regularly with relatively low pressure or expectation.
My friend Jack and I have been brainstorming, sketching, writing, doodling, and building the world since 2015 when we met in college. Time for the 5 year egg to hatch! It’s been building up and we’ve been doing good work. It’s been giving us the exercise we need.
We upload every Monday at 12pm PST (-8GMT) here: > fur20 <
The animation is coming right behind the comics. I JUST learned how to work an animation program. Look forward to more videos now as I get used to this computer workflow. I’ve already gotten a good amount of stuff done, by that I mean a complete key, breakdown, ink, and clean up of a small 6 frame loop.
Honestly, it’s Clip Studio Pro doing the best it does and I love it. 😮 If I ever finally storyboard and concept out a longer format film again, I think I might splurge for the Pro or X or whatever thing. It’s powerful and I got a ton done in a little time.
I’ve had days where I get super introspective, days where I get 4 or 5 things done, and days where I sit around and can’t fathom how I’m ever going to be okay again. I’m doing streaming and art and talking to people, but it feels like I am trapped inside a bullet hurtling at a target. The worldwide situation of this C OV ID vir us has pushed humans into themselves in a way not quite seen before. Also we are all Homestuck, and that fact holds me gently some nights. I haven’t been this much of a shut-in since high school.
Coincidentally, high school has been the last time I’ve been this involved in art, and more. 2011 I was very very active on art sites and creating, surrounded in school by self improvement purpose. It was also the era where I spent most of my free-time at a desk and computer. It was such a memory. I had these goals and ideas since then. My teachers helped me write. My classmates helped me feel. I miss them terribly. I wish I could visit some of them. Conference calls aren’t quite the same as going into someones office, home, or meeting out in the open at a park or coffee shop. That is what I miss, the public area. My goals are pretty straightforward even now in this low-calorie apocalypse.
Stories. I want to make worlds of interest and worlds where ideas can be explored with controlled consequences. Ideas worth sharing with each other.
p style=”padding-left: 40px;”>Comic: Fantasy magic story of “the action coming to the protagonist” through the form of rifts. Each rift is simply another part of the world folding over onto itself, with the seams as the creases. Sometimes there will be another dimension folded over. What is the goal of the story? To demonstrate that good will and accepting emotions are indeed the actual key to getting things done. The protagonist rides a balance of moods (sound familiar? lol) and either handles things supremely smoothly, or causes ripples and roadblocks. Will the protagonist cleanse herself of this mysterious ailment of emotional lightning, will she embrace it to defeat evil? Is there any evil in the world, or just twists that need to be unraveled? Writing: I want to get back to writing my sci-fi novella. I miss the characters. I miss spending time thinking about that world, about a world where humanity is rebuilding as best as it can and it’s janky, shaky, and misaligned. Where there are people still, after decades of genetic alteration, in between new world orders and the hint of an intergalactic world just waiting for humanity to get it’s ass together. Will it? Animations: I want to make animation. It takes a whole hell of a lot. Compositing the workflow in 2016 showed me the articulated organs of the process. Story-boarding, concept illustration, splash page, character, background, architecture, I wanted to arrange it all for a story. Which story? I can barely remember the ideas and through-lines I had in 2012. Scifi. Fantasy. Sci-fantasy. Slice-of-life. They have developed, I have kept them organized in their own shelves. But where do I take them from here?